DESPERATE AND UNBREAKABLE: AN ESSAY BASED ON 30 INTERVIEWS WITH UKRAINIAN WOMEN WHO FLED THE WAR

           How did they cope with the endless fears of starting a life from scratch in a new country? Were they welcomed in the new country, and how did they manage to handle all the stress of settling down in a new place? Could they even contemplate, let alone allow themselves to be happy, finding happiness in simple things?

           As the number of women who fled the war continued to rise, I endeavored to find answers to my questions. Eventually, when my younger daughter left for Europe after spending ten days in the basement of our house in Chernihiv town during the war, I resolved to seek these answers myself: what is it like there?Armed with these questions, I conducted over 30 Zoom interviews with Ukrainian women scattered across the world in May.

            I shared all the materials I obtained on my YouTube channel, which was dedicated solely to happiness before the war.

           The stories these women shared deeply impressed me, once again highlighting how brave, wise, and resilient our women are, in addition to being beautiful. It is fitting to say that Ukraine has a female face. And now, considering the number of women who left for European countries, this is indeed the case.

            Take Lyudmyla's story, for example. She left Ukraine along with her daughter and settled in the Czech Republic. The decision was not easy. Her primary goal and motivation were to enroll her daughter in a ballet school. Her daughter had been practicing ballet since childhood, and it had become an integral part of her life. Moreover, she intended to build her future around ballet. "Continuing training is essential for both physical and mental well-being," Lyudmyla explained.

            Attempting to cross the border during the early days of the war, she had no idea which country they would end up in. Her focus was on finding a place for her daughter to continue ballet training, to spare her from disappointment and losing interest in life at an early age.

            "I remember connecting with a girl who lives in the Czech Republic on Instagram before the war. Our shared interest was ballet. We began communicating more once the war started. She convinced me to come to the Czech Republic, assuring me that this country would be perfect for continuing ballet training," Lyudmyla recounted. She didn't mention any difficulties she faced while moving from Ukraine to the Czech Republic. She doesn't recall any, although I'm sure she encountered numerous challenges. Yet, she remained focused and driven by her mission. She only relaxed once her daughter was accepted into a Prague ballet school. "I've accomplished my mission," she stated with a smile.

            And this is not the only story I've heard. There are many, each unique. However, they all share one common thread – all these women were compelled to leave Ukraine; it wasn't their choice or dream. They had everything in Ukraine. Most of them confessed, "Only now, having left the country, do we realize how great and comfortable life in Ukraine was."

            It's worth noting that some women didn't leave the country in the early days of the war. Some stayed in their hometowns for a while, while others fled to western Ukraine, hoping the horrors of war would end, and they could return to normalcy. The shared reason for leaving was their children, to protect their lives, health, dreams, and mental well-being. They didn't want the war to steal their children's childhoods, turning them into "war kids" who flinch at every sound for the rest of their lives. "I made my final decision when I saw my kids trembling at the sound of an air raid; I was worried about their psyche, and I had to save them," confessed one of the women.

            I interviewed respondents from various countries – a long list including the Czech Republic, Germany, Switzerland, Poland, Austria, the Netherlands, France, the United Kingdom, Portugal, Spain, Italy, and more, mostly European countries. How did they decide where to go? Most of them made a decision on a whim, which might not be the best approach. "You have to make a rational decision, no matter how challenging it is," said one woman with a background in psychology. "Take a deep breath, exhale, and try to imagine sitting peacefully in your kitchen, contemplating which country to choose for a long stay."

            All the stories I heard shared one common thread – the willingness of people to help. Women with children received a warm welcome in nearly all European countries, along with temporary protection status. While these legal matters were novel and sometimes not entirely smooth, they eventually improved, and the process of obtaining this status became easier, much to the appreciation of Ukrainians. 

            All the women I spoke to were deeply impressed by people's readiness to help, from government bodies to strangers. As some respondents put it, "It was a psychological challenge to learn how to accept help from others." One respondent emphasized, "There were moments when I was confused, scared, and distrustful. When you're given free accommodation and a fully stocked fridge, you can't help but feel suspicious." 

            To accept and express gratitude is a newfound skill. A mother of three who fled to the Netherlands during the war said, "We could have afforded to rent an apartment and buy food, but we decided to accept all the help offered. We sent all the money we saved to support the Ukrainian Army."

            Another noteworthy point is the mutual aid and support that emerged. Women abroad united to support each other, establishing Ukrainian schools and kids' clubs where they could leave their children while dealing with legal matters or attending job interviews. "Local authorities provided us with a building, which we decorated and turned into a school," shared Tetyana, who moved to Portugal. "Local people are very helpful; some bring furniture, one lady cooks delicious hot meals for us daily, such as lasagna and apple pies. Ukrainian women come to various classes – art, pottery, English."

            Incidentally, all the women noted that the teaching profession, which wasn't highly esteemed in Ukraine, is prestigious in Europe, especially now with so many Ukrainian children enrolling in European schools and needing assistance.

            I asked all the respondents what recommendations they would give to other Ukrainian women who have already left Ukraine or are considering doing so. The most common recommendations are as follows:

- stay humane

- be grateful.

- play by the rules of the country you've moved to; they won't change them for you.

- learn the language.

- break out if your shell. 

            Let's take a closer look at the last recommendation. Many mothers who left Ukraine remain mentally tied to the country. They stay home with their devices, reading the news; their children study online, devoid of social interaction. However, this leads nowhere. Children need to socialize, adapt to their new environment, and live life – after all, isn't that why their mothers brought them abroad in the first place? Regardless of their personal feelings, these women put their children's well-being, emotions, and future first. This is the predominant sentiment among my respondents.

            I couldn't resist asking a question about happy moments. Interestingly, my question didn't come unexpected; in fact, they appreciated it. They assert that they began recognizing happiness in simple things. "Seeing life doesn't mean turning a blind eye to the war," Tetyana from Portugal shares. "When you gaze upon the blue sky, the ocean, flowers, and delight in the scent of jasmine, you can't deny it – you're alive, present in this moment, hearing your kids' laughter. This is happiness."