DESPERATE AND UNBREAKABLE: AN ESSAY BASED ON 30 INTERVIEWS WITH UKRAINIAN WOMEN WHO FLED THE WAR

           How did they cope with the endless fears of starting a life from scratch in a new country? Were they welcomed in the new country, and how did they manage to handle all the stress of settling down in a new place? Could they even contemplate, let alone allow themselves to be happy, finding happiness in simple things?

           As the number of women who fled the war continued to rise, I endeavored to find answers to my questions. Eventually, when my younger daughter left for Europe after spending ten days in the basement of our house in Chernihiv town during the war, I resolved to seek these answers myself: what is it like there?Armed with these questions, I conducted over 30 Zoominterviews with Ukrainian women scattered across the world in May.

            I shared all the materials I obtained on my YouTubechannel, which was dedicated solely to happiness before the war.

           The stories these women shared deeply impressed me, onceagain highlighting how brave, wise, and resilient our women are, in addition tobeing beautiful. It is fitting to say that Ukraine has a female face. And now,considering the number of women who left for European countries, this is indeedthe case.

            Take Lyudmyla's story, for example. She left Ukraine alongwith her daughter and settled in the Czech Republic. The decision was not easy.Her primary goal and motivation were to enroll her daughter in a ballet school.Her daughter had been practicing ballet since childhood, and it had become anintegral part of her life. Moreover, she intended to build her future aroundballet. "Continuing training is essential for both physical and mentalwell-being," Lyudmyla explained.

            Attempting to cross the border during the early days ofthe war, she had no idea which country they would end up in. Her focus was onfinding a place for her daughter to continue ballet training, to spare her fromdisappointment and losing interest in life at an early age.

            "I remember connecting with a girl who lives in theCzech Republic on Instagram before the war. Our shared interest was ballet. Webegan communicating more once the war started. She convinced me to come to theCzech Republic, assuring me that this country would be perfect for continuingballet training," Lyudmyla recounted. She didn't mention any difficultiesshe faced while moving from Ukraine to the Czech Republic. She doesn't recallany, although I'm sure she encountered numerous challenges. Yet, she remainedfocused and driven by her mission. She only relaxed once her daughter wasaccepted into a Prague ballet school. "I've accomplished my mission,"she stated with a smile.

            And this is not the only story I've heard. There are many,each unique. However, they all share one common thread – all these women werecompelled to leave Ukraine; it wasn't their choice or dream. They hadeverything in Ukraine. Most of them confessed, "Only now, having left thecountry, do we realize how great and comfortable life in Ukraine was."

            It's worth noting that some women didn't leave the countryin the early days of the war. Some stayed in their hometowns for a while, whileothers fled to western Ukraine, hoping the horrors of war would end, and theycould return to normalcy. The shared reason for leaving was their children, toprotect their lives, health, dreams, and mental well-being. They didn't wantthe war to steal their children's childhoods, turning them into "warkids" who flinch at every sound for the rest of their lives. "I mademy final decision when I saw my kids trembling at the sound of an air raid; Iwas worried about their psyche, and I had to save them," confessed one ofthe women.

            I interviewed respondents from various countries – a longlist including the Czech Republic, Germany, Switzerland, Poland, Austria, theNetherlands, France, the United Kingdom, Portugal, Spain, Italy, and more,mostly European countries. How did they decide where to go? Most of them made adecision on a whim, which might not be the best approach. "You have tomake a rational decision, no matter how challenging it is," said one womanwith a background in psychology. "Take a deep breath, exhale, and try toimagine sitting peacefully in your kitchen, contemplating which country tochoose for a long stay."

            All the stories I heard shared one common thread – thewillingness of people to help. Women with children received a warm welcome innearly all European countries, along with temporary protection status. Whilethese legal matters were novel and sometimes not entirely smooth, theyeventually improved, and the process of obtaining this status became easier,much to the appreciation of Ukrainians. 

            All the women I spoke to were deeply impressed by people'sreadiness to help, from government bodies to strangers. As some respondents putit, "It was a psychological challenge to learn how to accept help fromothers." One respondent emphasized, "There were moments when I wasconfused, scared, and distrustful. When you're given free accommodation and afully stocked fridge, you can't help but feel suspicious." 

            To accept and express gratitude is a newfound skill. Amother of three who fled to the Netherlands during the war said, "We couldhave afforded to rent an apartment and buy food, but we decided to accept allthe help offered. We sent all the money we saved to support the UkrainianArmy."

            Another noteworthy point is the mutual aid and supportthat emerged. Women abroad united to support each other, establishing Ukrainianschools and kids' clubs where they could leave their children while dealingwith legal matters or attending job interviews. "Local authoritiesprovided us with a building, which we decorated and turned into a school,"shared Tetyana, who moved to Portugal. "Local people are very helpful;some bring furniture, one lady cooks delicious hot meals for us daily, such aslasagna and apple pies. Ukrainian women come to various classes – art, pottery,English."

            Incidentally, all the women noted that the teachingprofession, which wasn't highly esteemed in Ukraine, is prestigious in Europe,especially now with so many Ukrainian children enrolling in European schoolsand needing assistance.

            I asked all the respondents what recommendations theywould give to other Ukrainian women who have already left Ukraine or areconsidering doing so. The most common recommendations are as follows:

- stay humane

- be grateful.

- play by the rules of the country you've moved to; theywon't change them for you.

- learn the language.

- break out if your shell. 

            Let's take a closer look at the last recommendation. Manymothers who left Ukraine remain mentally tied to the country. They stay homewith their devices, reading the news; their children study online, devoid ofsocial interaction. However, this leads nowhere. Children need to socialize,adapt to their new environment, and live life – after all, isn't that why theirmothers brought them abroad in the first place? Regardless of their personalfeelings, these women put their children's well-being, emotions, and futurefirst. This is the predominant sentiment among my respondents.

            I couldn't resist asking a question about happy moments.Interestingly, my question didn't come unexpected; in fact, they appreciatedit. They assert that they began recognizing happiness in simple things."Seeing life doesn't mean turning a blind eye to the war," Tetyanafrom Portugal shares. "When you gaze upon the blue sky, the ocean,flowers, and delight in the scent of jasmine, you can't deny it – you're alive,present in this moment, hearing your kids' laughter. This is happiness."